How to Brush One's Teeth

How to Brush One's Teeth,
Or: A Guide for the Thorough Cleansing of the Ingestive Orifice of Toothed Entities

This guide, hacked and compiled by Callista “Cally!” R. Womick on 8 Jan 2011, is intended for the use and/or amusement of self-aware, physical beings with visual capabilities and/or the capacity to extract and comprehend information from a typed document that would like instruction on the proper methodology for the cleaning of the oral structures known as teeth. The content of this guide is meant to apply solely to the teeth of human beings (Homo sapiens), but identical or similar procedures may be applied also to the teeth of a great many other versions of being.

For the purposes of this guide, the following definitions are to be assumed for all uses of the terms:

dirty:   having developed a noticeable film due to the growth and activity of bacteria; an unpleasant odor may also be present
grip: to hold firmly, but not so firmly as to cause damage to either the subject or object of gripping.
problem: a situation innately negative and/or capable of producing negative or undesirable results. To mitigate, see solution.
proximate: within arm’s reach, as it applies to the individual reach of your own arm(s) or comparable appendages at the ends of which are hands and/or comparable gripping mechanisms.
teeth:   a set of hard structures located in the ingestive orifice of many carbon-based life forms which serve the purpose of biting, rending, and grinding objects intended for ingestion with or without the intention of deriving nutritive benefit.
recognize: to become aware of; to understand; to know.
sink:    a tub, bowl, basin, or other concave structure equipped with a drain at its base and at least one tap capable of producing a variable flow of water, the flow and/or temperature of which is controlled by the use of a knob, button, handle, or other interactive device.
solution: a series of steps, actions, and/or processes intended to negate and/or decrease the effect of a problem.
toothbrush: any one of several variations on a theme of non-organically occurring tools consisting of handles with dimensions of approximately 1.7 x 17.5cm x 1.6cm studded on one surface of one end (usually the surface with the broader face; for a length of approximately 3.5cm) with compact organic or inorganic bristles and generally marketed for mass consumption as such.
toothpaste: any of several variations on a theme on organic and inorganic pastes, creams, gels, and suspensions believed to have properties including but not limited to the whitening of tooth enamel, the eradication of bacteria, the prevention of bacteria, and the elimination of undesirable odor of the mouth and generally marketed for mass consumption as such.

1.      Have an awareness of self as a spiritual, emotional, and/or (at the minimum) physical entity.

2.      Possess teeth.

3.      Possess teeth that are dirty.

a.       If your teeth are not dirty, wait an amount of time between 1 (one) standard hour and 24 (twenty-four) standard hours before reassessing the situation.

4.      Recognize that your teeth are dirty.

5.      Determine that possessing dirty teeth is a problem.

6.      Determine to fix the problem of having dirty teeth.

7.      Be or become aware of the processes involved in brushing teeth.

8.      Determine that brushing your teeth is a solution to the problem of having dirty teeth.

9.      Determine that brushing your teeth is the best available solution to having dirty teeth.
(For alternatives, see How to Lose a Fist Fight, Or: A Guide for Complete Failure in a Situation of One-on-One Combat with Emphasis on Ways in Which to Lose Life and Limb, Chapter 6: How to Take Shots to the Mouth for Maximum Tooth Loss; How to Die, Or: A Guide for Forgoing All One’s Mortal Obligations through the Forfeit of One’s Life; and Lysol: The Only Antibacterial Agent You’ll Ever Need.)

10.  Determine to brush your teeth.

11.  Possess toothpaste and/or (at bare minimum) a toothbrush.  

a.       If a toothbrush is not possessed, acquire one.

12.  If the toothbrush and/or toothpaste are present and proximate in the same temporal and physical plain as you, manipulate your dominant hand or comparable gripping mechanism of choice to enable yourself to physically move the toothbrush and/or toothpaste through time and space.

a.       If you do not possess a hand or comparable gripping mechanism, attempt to locate a conscious, mobile, friendly entity that does and communicate to him/her/it that you need and intend to brush your teeth and inquire as to whether it would be possible to use his/her/its hand or comparable gripping mechanism to do so.

                                                  i.      If you are unable to locate a conscious, mobile, friendly entity, wait until you are able to do so.

                                                ii.      If the located entity does not understand your communication, attempt again within the range of your available modes of communication and a composite time frame equal to the sum of a complete circuit of each mode of attempted communication.

1.      If after the range of time equal to the sum of a complete circuit of each mode of attempted communication successful communication has not been achieved, abandon attempts to communicate with this entity and return to step 12.a, exclusive of the entity with whom it has not been possible to communicate successfully.

                                              iii.      If the located entity understands your communication and assents, proceed through the following steps substituting all references to “your hand or comparable gripping mechanism” with “his/her/its hand or comparable gripping mechanism.”

                                              iv.      If the located entity understands your communication and dissents, return to step 12.a, exclusive of the dissenting entity.

b.      If you possess toothbrush and/or toothpaste but they are not present in the same temporal and physical plain as you, adjust your physical location until this is no longer the case.

                                                  i.      If it is not possible to adjust your physical location at this time, wait until it is possible.

c.       If another physical item precludes the use of your dominate hand (or comparable gripping mechanism of choice) to physically move the toothbrush and/or toothpaste through time and space, substitute another hand or comparable gripping mechanism.

                                                  i.      If another hand or comparable gripping mechanism is not available, discard a preoccupying possession to enable yourself to use either your dominate hand or a comparable gripping mechanism to physically move the toothbrush and/or toothpaste through time and space.

1.      If you are unable to discard a preoccupying possession at this time, wait until you are able to do so.

13.  If necessary, move yourself and the toothbrush and/or toothpaste to a sanitary, non-organic source of running water to which you legally, customarily, and/or circumstantially have access. Ideally, this water source will possess a mechanism for the sanitary and legal disposal of wastewater and possess all the characteristics of a sink.  

14.  Place your toothbrush on the edge of the sink, countertop, or comparable proximate sanitary surface.

15.  Should you possess toothpaste, grip it with your non-dominant hand or comparable gripping mechanism of choice.

a.       If you do not possess toothpaste, move directly to step number 21 (twenty-one).

b.      If the opening of your toothpaste container is regulated with a screw-on cap, grip the cap with your dominant hand and rotate it counter-clockwise until the cap and the container are separated.

                                                  i.      Place the cap on the edge of the sink, countertop, or comparable proximate sanitary surface and proceed to step number 16 (sixteen).

c.       If the opening of your toothpaste container is regulated with a hinged cap, grip the upper section of the hinged mechanism with your non-dominant hand and exert force perpendicular to the line of contact between the two sections of the hinged mechanism upon the protruding section surface which comes into contact with the lower section of the hinged mechanism until the upper section is transformed between -60 (negative sixty) and -90 (negative ninety) degrees.

d.      If the lid of your toothpaste container does not match any of the above-mentioned, refer to the instructions included in its original packaging for guidance in the process of opening the container and dispensing toothpaste.

16.  With your dominate hand or comparable gripping mechanism of choice, grip your toothbrush by the end opposite that from which the bristles protrude, with the handle approximately parallel and the bristles approximately perpendicular to the ground.

17.  Without altering the grading or rotation of your toothbrush, use your dominant hand or comparable gripping mechanism, and all local appendages (and components thereof) necessary for motion, to move it through space along the shortest available path the final destination of which will have its bristles located in approximately the same x- and z- coordinates as the open hole through which the toothpaste container will dispense its contents and approximately 2 (two) centimeters lower than the y-coordinate of the same hole.

18.  With your non-dominant hand or comparable gripping mechanism which holds the toothpaste container, gently squeeze the container (or follow applicable instructions for dispensing toothpaste specific to your individual toothpaste container) until a volume of toothpaste roughly equivalent to that of two standard peas (approximately 0.4cm³ [four tenths of a centimeter cubed]) is expelled.

19.  Move your toothbrush straight upward until the majority of the expelled toothpaste has been transferred from the opening of the toothpaste container to the bristles of the toothbrush.

20.  Place the toothpaste container on the edge of the sink, countertop, or comparable proximate sanitary surface.

21.  Rotate the toothbrush handle 90 (ninety) degrees counterclockwise in the z plane.

22.  Simultaneously curl back your lips and move your dominant hand or comparable gripping mechanism, and all local appendages (and components thereof) necessary for motion, to move your toothbrush through space in the shortest available path the final destination of which will have its bristle end located such that the x- and y-coordinates of your front teeth are approximately equivalent to those of the bristled end of the toothbrush while the z-coordinate is increased by just enough to allow the toothbrush bristles to rest against the ventral surface of your foremost teeth.

23.  Exerting an amount of pressure sufficient to maintain contact between the toothbrush bristles and your teeth but not so great as to cause pain and/or damage to the surrounding soft tissues, manipulate the toothbrush left and right along the x axis in small increments, gradually moving left along the upper row of teeth.

24.  Reverse the directionality of step 23 (twenty-three) to backtrack along the path of already-brushed teeth and visit the semi-section of the upper row of teeth not yet visited.

25.  Open your mouth to allow an approximately 3 (three) inch high gap between the bottoms of your top row of teeth and the tops of your bottom row of teeth.

26.  For each visible plane of tooth surfaces, adjust the location of the toothbrush bristles to perpendicular to the plane and repeat the processes of step 23.

a.       During this process it may occur that an excess amount of saliva accrues; in this event, pause the brushing process to expectorate into the sink or comparable waste water receptacle, then resume the brushing process where it was paused.

27.  Once each visible surface of each tooth has been brushed at least once, move your non-dominate hand or comparable gripping mechanism to the knob, button, handle, or other interactive device capable of producing a variable flow of water and manipulate it to produce a stream of water, ideally with a temperature within the range of 40 (forty) and 85 (eighty-five) degrees Fahrenheit.

28.  Move your dominate hand or comparable gripping mechanism to transform the bristle-end of the toothbrush into the flow of water and hold it there until all visible evidence of toothpaste and/or masticated particles have been washed away.

29.  Simultaneously place the toothbrush on the edge of the sink, countertop, or comparable proximate sanitary surface and move your non-dominate hand or comparable gripping mechanism to the knob, button, handle, or other interactive device of producing a variable flow of water and manipulate it to discontinue the stream of water.

30.  Expectorate.

a.       Repeat until the residual flavor and/or texture of the toothpaste in your mouth is barely perceivable.

b.      If necessary, reinstate the flow of water from the sink tap and utilize it to rinse toothpaste residue from your mouth.

31.  If you used toothpaste, grip its container with your non-dominant hand or comparable gripping mechanism of choice.

a.       If you did not use toothpaste, move directly to step number 32 (thirty-two).

b.      If the opening of your toothpaste container is regulated with a screw-on cap, grip the cap with your dominant hand and rotate it clockwise until the cap and the container are rejoined.

c.       If the opening of your toothpaste container is regulated with a hinged cap, exert force perpendicular to the line of contact between the two sections of the hinged mechanism upon the far surface of the section which is capable of motion until the upper and lower sections reconnect and lock into the closed position.

d.      If the lid of your toothpaste container does not match any of the above-mentioned, refer to the instructions included in its original packaging for guidance in the process of closing the container.

32.  Reverse the steps followed to procure your toothbrush and/or toothpaste.

33.  If another entity aided in the process of brushing your teeth, thank him/her/it.

34.  Enjoy.

The Beowulf That They Don't Teach in Schools

Grendel, suspicious of Beowulf's intentions with Hrothgar, set out to spy on the men. "It is not well," he thought, "when one's enemies receive reinforcement from the sea, nor when men value life so little." His efforts to evict the interlopers from his ancestral land have thus far proven ineffective. They are willing to give more life than he is willing to take. His mother knows little of their presence, and nothing of his campaign against them.

Sigrún

Glad that Grendel was gone _ absent from Grethe
Had wandered into the world _ and would not return
Until the sky-spirit _ began to nod,
Sigrún prepared the palace _ to make proud
Her beloved son _ that bright boy
Her only child _ who she cherished
More dearly than any miser _ more greedily than Midas
Relished in his riches. _ That son of Rasmus
Was the song in her heart _ and spring in her step.
She cleared floors _ and filled rooms
With glowing globes _ glorious fire from her fingertips
Driving out shadows _ that might dare to disturb
The gaieties to come _ with their lengthening
Fingers grasping at guests _ and teasing Time's hands
_ _ To a more fleeting tempo.
She hummed a tune _ as she hammer-headed nails
That sprouted up _ from the ancient floor
Like the thorns _ of a creeping briar
Ready to tear _ at tender feet,
As she honed Hjördís _ to a handsome edge
A singing sharpness _ that was Sigrún's song.
A dance floor cannot _ be dangerous to down-steppers
Nor a dull blade botch _ a beat in a syncopated battle
Even a stone-soled spectator _ and tone deaf friar
Know that so things are _ so they have been
And so they will stay. _ The security in uncertainty
The comfort in conflict _ and the cares of queens
Who keep their castles _ as if entire kingdoms.
Thus she prepared her home _ for that honored hour
When she and countless _ other creatures of the deep
Would spin about _ the light-soaked space
Boasting bright garb _ and feasting bountifully
On the wild riches _ found in her realm.
Each turret and tower _ teeming with friends
Each wall and window _ echoing with lifejoy
Such as comes _ solely from creatures
Without wickedness _ or sorrow weighty
Upon their hearts. _ Happy in life
And careful not to squander _ that coveted gift.
She prepared her home _ for that honored hour
When she and that _ shining horde
Would spar with words _ and also weapons
Carefully building their minds _ as well as their bodies
In strength and agility _ in tribute to their wonder
_ _ And in merriment.
She threw wide the windows _ and wove wildflowers
Into awesome arrangements _ their aroma borne
By a current _ which came cool and calm
And danced with the light _ that leapt about
From glistening crystal _ to glittering gold
Of a castle constructed _ of countless treasures:
Looking glass walls _ laced with webs
Of gold speckled _ with spidergems and stardust.
It was an ancient place _ of another age
Of souls long at slumber _ and songs long since sung.
The stars that shone _ upon those spires
When first they rose _ reaching ever upwards
Were not those _ which would throw down their light
On the night anticipated _ by Sigrún, anxious.
She readied her realm _ and rallied guests
To make revelry _ and when the time came
Give praising voices _ to glory-born Grendel
Who had seen _ his seventeenth September sun.


Grendel, aware of Beowulf's arrival and receipt by Hrothgar, goes to Herot to uncover their scheme. Wearing a disguise, he loiters outside the hall's main entrance, carefully collecting intelligence.

The Plot Against Grendel

They awoke with heads _ heavy from mead
And purses light _ from the lavish bacchanal
Of the bygone night. _ Those noble warriors
Those pillars among men _ who muttered of righteousness
During daylight hours _ not daring to offend
The eye of God _ but who gargled of misdeeds
Boasted of brutality _ and bore shame on banners
When that beautiful orb _ blinked, casting
The world into darkness _ and the Danes into sin
And with them the Gaets _ were as glorious by day
And as wicked by night _ as any warped man
_ _ Of Hrothgar's guard, court, or country.
These shamers of mankind _ malady upon the land
And upon the people _ and upon peace
Awoke with heavy heads _ and hearts hoping
To lessen a lord _ of the land that was
Rightfully his, _ yet wanted by Hrothgar.
Their tongues beat _ like booming war-drums
And their eyes glinted _ with dreams of gold
And of bloody scenes, _ shimmered at the thought
Of weeping wounds _ wrapped around the form
Of a majestic youth. _ A monster, said they
Unto the peasants. _ A demon, unto the priests.
Lies carefully concocted _ to crust the minds
Of men who may _ remember and respect
The truth of Grendel _ and his great ancestors.
All this he _ heard, and hated
His vehemence waxing _ with every word,
Spoken or soundless, _ that slithered
From foul tongues _ and fermented minds.
His anger festered _ and his heart feared,
The lord in him _ livid about this scheming
And the mortal _ mightily mindful of death:
A prince of peace _ perceiving war
In all its terror _ for his first time.
"Surely," thought he, _ "something can be said
Words can be woven _ with which we
Can curtail conflict. _ Cruel as they are
Their blood is also red _ their bones also break
They live and love _ and so, life-loving,
Cannot care _ to create death.
Let us talk together _ as men of thought.
Let me join them _ that we may joust
With words rather _ than with weapons."
And so speaking _ he swung wide
The double doors _ upon a drinking hall
Seasoned with sworded enemies _ and suddenly silent.

*This work inspired by characters and events from the Beowulf epic.