How to Brush One's Teeth

How to Brush One's Teeth,
Or: A Guide for the Thorough Cleansing of the Ingestive Orifice of Toothed Entities

This guide, hacked and compiled by Callista “Cally!” R. Womick on 8 Jan 2011, is intended for the use and/or amusement of self-aware, physical beings with visual capabilities and/or the capacity to extract and comprehend information from a typed document that would like instruction on the proper methodology for the cleaning of the oral structures known as teeth. The content of this guide is meant to apply solely to the teeth of human beings (Homo sapiens), but identical or similar procedures may be applied also to the teeth of a great many other versions of being.

For the purposes of this guide, the following definitions are to be assumed for all uses of the terms:

dirty:   having developed a noticeable film due to the growth and activity of bacteria; an unpleasant odor may also be present
grip: to hold firmly, but not so firmly as to cause damage to either the subject or object of gripping.
problem: a situation innately negative and/or capable of producing negative or undesirable results. To mitigate, see solution.
proximate: within arm’s reach, as it applies to the individual reach of your own arm(s) or comparable appendages at the ends of which are hands and/or comparable gripping mechanisms.
teeth:   a set of hard structures located in the ingestive orifice of many carbon-based life forms which serve the purpose of biting, rending, and grinding objects intended for ingestion with or without the intention of deriving nutritive benefit.
recognize: to become aware of; to understand; to know.
sink:    a tub, bowl, basin, or other concave structure equipped with a drain at its base and at least one tap capable of producing a variable flow of water, the flow and/or temperature of which is controlled by the use of a knob, button, handle, or other interactive device.
solution: a series of steps, actions, and/or processes intended to negate and/or decrease the effect of a problem.
toothbrush: any one of several variations on a theme of non-organically occurring tools consisting of handles with dimensions of approximately 1.7 x 17.5cm x 1.6cm studded on one surface of one end (usually the surface with the broader face; for a length of approximately 3.5cm) with compact organic or inorganic bristles and generally marketed for mass consumption as such.
toothpaste: any of several variations on a theme on organic and inorganic pastes, creams, gels, and suspensions believed to have properties including but not limited to the whitening of tooth enamel, the eradication of bacteria, the prevention of bacteria, and the elimination of undesirable odor of the mouth and generally marketed for mass consumption as such.

1.      Have an awareness of self as a spiritual, emotional, and/or (at the minimum) physical entity.

2.      Possess teeth.

3.      Possess teeth that are dirty.

a.       If your teeth are not dirty, wait an amount of time between 1 (one) standard hour and 24 (twenty-four) standard hours before reassessing the situation.

4.      Recognize that your teeth are dirty.

5.      Determine that possessing dirty teeth is a problem.

6.      Determine to fix the problem of having dirty teeth.

7.      Be or become aware of the processes involved in brushing teeth.

8.      Determine that brushing your teeth is a solution to the problem of having dirty teeth.

9.      Determine that brushing your teeth is the best available solution to having dirty teeth.
(For alternatives, see How to Lose a Fist Fight, Or: A Guide for Complete Failure in a Situation of One-on-One Combat with Emphasis on Ways in Which to Lose Life and Limb, Chapter 6: How to Take Shots to the Mouth for Maximum Tooth Loss; How to Die, Or: A Guide for Forgoing All One’s Mortal Obligations through the Forfeit of One’s Life; and Lysol: The Only Antibacterial Agent You’ll Ever Need.)

10.  Determine to brush your teeth.

11.  Possess toothpaste and/or (at bare minimum) a toothbrush.  

a.       If a toothbrush is not possessed, acquire one.

12.  If the toothbrush and/or toothpaste are present and proximate in the same temporal and physical plain as you, manipulate your dominant hand or comparable gripping mechanism of choice to enable yourself to physically move the toothbrush and/or toothpaste through time and space.

a.       If you do not possess a hand or comparable gripping mechanism, attempt to locate a conscious, mobile, friendly entity that does and communicate to him/her/it that you need and intend to brush your teeth and inquire as to whether it would be possible to use his/her/its hand or comparable gripping mechanism to do so.

                                                  i.      If you are unable to locate a conscious, mobile, friendly entity, wait until you are able to do so.

                                                ii.      If the located entity does not understand your communication, attempt again within the range of your available modes of communication and a composite time frame equal to the sum of a complete circuit of each mode of attempted communication.

1.      If after the range of time equal to the sum of a complete circuit of each mode of attempted communication successful communication has not been achieved, abandon attempts to communicate with this entity and return to step 12.a, exclusive of the entity with whom it has not been possible to communicate successfully.

                                              iii.      If the located entity understands your communication and assents, proceed through the following steps substituting all references to “your hand or comparable gripping mechanism” with “his/her/its hand or comparable gripping mechanism.”

                                              iv.      If the located entity understands your communication and dissents, return to step 12.a, exclusive of the dissenting entity.

b.      If you possess toothbrush and/or toothpaste but they are not present in the same temporal and physical plain as you, adjust your physical location until this is no longer the case.

                                                  i.      If it is not possible to adjust your physical location at this time, wait until it is possible.

c.       If another physical item precludes the use of your dominate hand (or comparable gripping mechanism of choice) to physically move the toothbrush and/or toothpaste through time and space, substitute another hand or comparable gripping mechanism.

                                                  i.      If another hand or comparable gripping mechanism is not available, discard a preoccupying possession to enable yourself to use either your dominate hand or a comparable gripping mechanism to physically move the toothbrush and/or toothpaste through time and space.

1.      If you are unable to discard a preoccupying possession at this time, wait until you are able to do so.

13.  If necessary, move yourself and the toothbrush and/or toothpaste to a sanitary, non-organic source of running water to which you legally, customarily, and/or circumstantially have access. Ideally, this water source will possess a mechanism for the sanitary and legal disposal of wastewater and possess all the characteristics of a sink.  

14.  Place your toothbrush on the edge of the sink, countertop, or comparable proximate sanitary surface.

15.  Should you possess toothpaste, grip it with your non-dominant hand or comparable gripping mechanism of choice.

a.       If you do not possess toothpaste, move directly to step number 21 (twenty-one).

b.      If the opening of your toothpaste container is regulated with a screw-on cap, grip the cap with your dominant hand and rotate it counter-clockwise until the cap and the container are separated.

                                                  i.      Place the cap on the edge of the sink, countertop, or comparable proximate sanitary surface and proceed to step number 16 (sixteen).

c.       If the opening of your toothpaste container is regulated with a hinged cap, grip the upper section of the hinged mechanism with your non-dominant hand and exert force perpendicular to the line of contact between the two sections of the hinged mechanism upon the protruding section surface which comes into contact with the lower section of the hinged mechanism until the upper section is transformed between -60 (negative sixty) and -90 (negative ninety) degrees.

d.      If the lid of your toothpaste container does not match any of the above-mentioned, refer to the instructions included in its original packaging for guidance in the process of opening the container and dispensing toothpaste.

16.  With your dominate hand or comparable gripping mechanism of choice, grip your toothbrush by the end opposite that from which the bristles protrude, with the handle approximately parallel and the bristles approximately perpendicular to the ground.

17.  Without altering the grading or rotation of your toothbrush, use your dominant hand or comparable gripping mechanism, and all local appendages (and components thereof) necessary for motion, to move it through space along the shortest available path the final destination of which will have its bristles located in approximately the same x- and z- coordinates as the open hole through which the toothpaste container will dispense its contents and approximately 2 (two) centimeters lower than the y-coordinate of the same hole.

18.  With your non-dominant hand or comparable gripping mechanism which holds the toothpaste container, gently squeeze the container (or follow applicable instructions for dispensing toothpaste specific to your individual toothpaste container) until a volume of toothpaste roughly equivalent to that of two standard peas (approximately 0.4cm³ [four tenths of a centimeter cubed]) is expelled.

19.  Move your toothbrush straight upward until the majority of the expelled toothpaste has been transferred from the opening of the toothpaste container to the bristles of the toothbrush.

20.  Place the toothpaste container on the edge of the sink, countertop, or comparable proximate sanitary surface.

21.  Rotate the toothbrush handle 90 (ninety) degrees counterclockwise in the z plane.

22.  Simultaneously curl back your lips and move your dominant hand or comparable gripping mechanism, and all local appendages (and components thereof) necessary for motion, to move your toothbrush through space in the shortest available path the final destination of which will have its bristle end located such that the x- and y-coordinates of your front teeth are approximately equivalent to those of the bristled end of the toothbrush while the z-coordinate is increased by just enough to allow the toothbrush bristles to rest against the ventral surface of your foremost teeth.

23.  Exerting an amount of pressure sufficient to maintain contact between the toothbrush bristles and your teeth but not so great as to cause pain and/or damage to the surrounding soft tissues, manipulate the toothbrush left and right along the x axis in small increments, gradually moving left along the upper row of teeth.

24.  Reverse the directionality of step 23 (twenty-three) to backtrack along the path of already-brushed teeth and visit the semi-section of the upper row of teeth not yet visited.

25.  Open your mouth to allow an approximately 3 (three) inch high gap between the bottoms of your top row of teeth and the tops of your bottom row of teeth.

26.  For each visible plane of tooth surfaces, adjust the location of the toothbrush bristles to perpendicular to the plane and repeat the processes of step 23.

a.       During this process it may occur that an excess amount of saliva accrues; in this event, pause the brushing process to expectorate into the sink or comparable waste water receptacle, then resume the brushing process where it was paused.

27.  Once each visible surface of each tooth has been brushed at least once, move your non-dominate hand or comparable gripping mechanism to the knob, button, handle, or other interactive device capable of producing a variable flow of water and manipulate it to produce a stream of water, ideally with a temperature within the range of 40 (forty) and 85 (eighty-five) degrees Fahrenheit.

28.  Move your dominate hand or comparable gripping mechanism to transform the bristle-end of the toothbrush into the flow of water and hold it there until all visible evidence of toothpaste and/or masticated particles have been washed away.

29.  Simultaneously place the toothbrush on the edge of the sink, countertop, or comparable proximate sanitary surface and move your non-dominate hand or comparable gripping mechanism to the knob, button, handle, or other interactive device of producing a variable flow of water and manipulate it to discontinue the stream of water.

30.  Expectorate.

a.       Repeat until the residual flavor and/or texture of the toothpaste in your mouth is barely perceivable.

b.      If necessary, reinstate the flow of water from the sink tap and utilize it to rinse toothpaste residue from your mouth.

31.  If you used toothpaste, grip its container with your non-dominant hand or comparable gripping mechanism of choice.

a.       If you did not use toothpaste, move directly to step number 32 (thirty-two).

b.      If the opening of your toothpaste container is regulated with a screw-on cap, grip the cap with your dominant hand and rotate it clockwise until the cap and the container are rejoined.

c.       If the opening of your toothpaste container is regulated with a hinged cap, exert force perpendicular to the line of contact between the two sections of the hinged mechanism upon the far surface of the section which is capable of motion until the upper and lower sections reconnect and lock into the closed position.

d.      If the lid of your toothpaste container does not match any of the above-mentioned, refer to the instructions included in its original packaging for guidance in the process of closing the container.

32.  Reverse the steps followed to procure your toothbrush and/or toothpaste.

33.  If another entity aided in the process of brushing your teeth, thank him/her/it.

34.  Enjoy.

People are dirty

And they insist on dirtying this beautiful planet with their existence. Myself included. I wouldn't be at all offended is some superior extraterrestrial race did decide to swoop down upon this pitiful planet and annihilate our entire species in order to preserve what decent spans of nature remain, just like those people from that convention are convinced will happen any moment now. I think we deserve it.
Let me explain:
I went for a walk today. I carried a couple plastic grocery bags with me. I figured I'd pick up a little trach here and there and maybe gather some recyclables besides. That was my neat little plan. Well! People quickly got in the way of that, they and their nasty, dirty habits did. I returned after eighty minutes with four grocery bags overflowing with refuse: only one contained recyclable materials. And I only picked up along one side of the road.
Care to guess how many cigarette butts I picked up? Go on, guess. Frankly, I have no clue, and I have no intention of counting them. Rest assured that I probably have a representative from every major brand sold in the United States, not to mention an empty packet to match! I appreciate the sentiment of whoever tossed the half-smoked pack. I do not appreciate that of whoever tossed the ziplock bag with the used condom. Styrofoam cups. Plastic cups. Fast food bags. Coke cans. Beer cans. Beer bottles. Milk jugs. (Milk jugs?!?) Cigar wrappers. Gum wrappers. Candy wrappers. Ambiguous rubber tubes. The tops of those cute little "Doggy Do-do" bag sets- y'know, it's all well and good to clean up your animal's excrement, but get real: it's biodegradable, the plastic bags are not. I found five of these. Maybe more. Stopped counting.
Plastic water bottles. Do you know how much oil it takes to retrieve, refine, shape and ship those bottles? How much it takes to retrieve, purify, filter, ionize, florize and whatever else they feel the need to do to the water? To combine the two? To transport the workers who carry out the process? To transport the finished product to 'convenient' locations nationwide? Worldwide? Dump all but about three quarters of that water (it's probably just tap water at best, laced with carcinogens at worst). That's how much oil. Per bottle.
I was passed by cars, trucks, vans, buses, delivery vehicles, and a single motorcycle. All chugging along, burning fossile fuels, filling what would otherwise be clean, healthful air with ozone-depleting, foul-smelling, physically harmful fumes. Few slowed down. Several honked. Whether out of encouragement or derision I care not to know. A couple informed me that I have a 'nice ass.' At least none were so indecent as to throw any half-full slushies from the 7/11 at me. At least.
These are the creatures that think themselves greatest of all the beasts- man has brain! man can think! These are the ways in which they demonstrate their superiority. Forgive me if I point out the inconsistency that it isn't exactly, um, intelligent to destroy one's habitat. If we observed such behavior in any other species we would be appalled. Well, start worrying! The end is near! They are coming! But, in the mean time, I'm going to keep picking up your litter. And if you've any desire to retain the right to inhabit a planet as bountiful and diverse as this, you better start, too. Those people from the convention have some pretty compelling proof.