Epistle I: To DDS, Of Endive

Nothing so foul as what Tonight you serve,
This vile Vegetable, horrid Hor D'oeuvre,
Palatable when neither hot nor cold,
Ne'er by my Words nor Deeds to be extoll'd.

How many Students pass it up each day,
How many more lack Sense to stay away?
Alongside Fruitstuffs, here, tender and sweet,
Of vibrant Colours, of Nutr'ents replete.
Here Yogurts, with Texture smoothe and creamy,
And there Broccoli, fresh and steamy.
Let them eat Cake, and Steak, and greas'd 'Taters,
Pizza, Burgers, Hot Dogs, Fries, Tomaters.
Or Herbavores may choose such lighter Fare,
As MaPo Tofu, Peas, and roasted Pear,
With sim'ring Sauces and deft Hand prepar'd;
Whether the Student's veg- or Carnivore,
'Longside these Options Endive is abhorr'd.

Why then the Time, Space, and Energy waste,
To present this Plant so awry of Taste,
That it pleases nei'er Masses nor Tongue,
With its Flavor not unlike old horse Dung.

Carrots, better endow'd with Vit'min A,
More often are consum'd, less thrown away,
Agree as Sides to Entrees a-plenty,
As stir-fried Slices and in Salads minty,
Even when smothered with a greasy Paste,
Sugared, buttered, spic'd they're not a Waste:
Because it's so that if the Base is good,
Culinary Abuse may be withstood.
But "good" does not these endive Leaves describe,
Thus cannot Sugar, Butter, Spice ascribe,
Any of their sundry Qual'ties pleasing;
Endive is, in short, a waste of Seas'ning.

How soft the the Flavor! fresh Leaves of Spinach,
The tender Tufts of foliate Plummage:
To me, Callista, prove their own fine Worth,
By extracting such Iron from the Earth,
As can richen Blood with Hemoglobin,
Without which I would wain weak and mopin'.
All Eyes may see the Change within me rise,
With Blood that's rich, my Laughter soars---it flies.
Sure, Endive boasts large amounts of Fiber,
Vitamins E, C, K and other dire
Nutr'ents which would help to sustain its Host,
But that matters little, for it's so gross.

Loath'd Endive, that odious Bane of the salad Bar,
Offends my palate---Aye, it goes too far!
Worse still when served up sickly-yellow, hot,
All limp, and wet, and surely soon to rot.

Students, of sound and stable Judgement, know,
'Tis not worth eating, and so they forego;
Unhappy those who accident'ly take,
Even the smallest Serving on their Plates,
For a Bite once taken in, once chew'ed,
Cannot in polite Company be spew'ed,
Their Tongues may curl, their Lips may well go numb,
But to the Urge to wretch they can't succumb:
For Grace mandates, Decorum straight commands,
That those refin'd, Unpleasantness withstand;
And those refin'd know there's naught else more crude,
Than to at a Table expel one's Food.

Then there are poor Souls taught to clean their Plates,
Who eat all their food, no matter how base;
For these poor Souls I offer up a Pray'r,
And distract myself so as not to stare,
At their Misfortune, at their painful Plight,
As they gulp down each and eve'ry Bite.
Why then Surprise when they loudly declare,
That foco Food they shall henceforth foreswear?

Why pique our Buds with Food that Pleasure brings?
If only to then to dish out Food that stings:
Now deep in our bowels Complaints are mounting,
Which we won't (politely) be recounting.
Conscience should grip you, you should feel Remorse;
But you do not---you're DDS of course.
You value feedback from student Patrons,
Only when receiv'd in a Form that burns.
Or, rather, recycles (#green Init'tive),
Well, here's my Feedback: --insert expletive--,
Endive disgusts, it is not fit to serve,
Whoever does so has a lot of Nerve;
Endive revolts, so bitter and so foul,
Prolong'd Exposure leads to perm'nant Scowl.
We all reject this unfit edible,
And demand Meals more wholesome, credible.
The Tribe has spoken, our Edict is clear:
Besmirched Endive is not welcome here!

People are dirty

And they insist on dirtying this beautiful planet with their existence. Myself included. I wouldn't be at all offended is some superior extraterrestrial race did decide to swoop down upon this pitiful planet and annihilate our entire species in order to preserve what decent spans of nature remain, just like those people from that convention are convinced will happen any moment now. I think we deserve it.
Let me explain:
I went for a walk today. I carried a couple plastic grocery bags with me. I figured I'd pick up a little trach here and there and maybe gather some recyclables besides. That was my neat little plan. Well! People quickly got in the way of that, they and their nasty, dirty habits did. I returned after eighty minutes with four grocery bags overflowing with refuse: only one contained recyclable materials. And I only picked up along one side of the road.
Care to guess how many cigarette butts I picked up? Go on, guess. Frankly, I have no clue, and I have no intention of counting them. Rest assured that I probably have a representative from every major brand sold in the United States, not to mention an empty packet to match! I appreciate the sentiment of whoever tossed the half-smoked pack. I do not appreciate that of whoever tossed the ziplock bag with the used condom. Styrofoam cups. Plastic cups. Fast food bags. Coke cans. Beer cans. Beer bottles. Milk jugs. (Milk jugs?!?) Cigar wrappers. Gum wrappers. Candy wrappers. Ambiguous rubber tubes. The tops of those cute little "Doggy Do-do" bag sets- y'know, it's all well and good to clean up your animal's excrement, but get real: it's biodegradable, the plastic bags are not. I found five of these. Maybe more. Stopped counting.
Plastic water bottles. Do you know how much oil it takes to retrieve, refine, shape and ship those bottles? How much it takes to retrieve, purify, filter, ionize, florize and whatever else they feel the need to do to the water? To combine the two? To transport the workers who carry out the process? To transport the finished product to 'convenient' locations nationwide? Worldwide? Dump all but about three quarters of that water (it's probably just tap water at best, laced with carcinogens at worst). That's how much oil. Per bottle.
I was passed by cars, trucks, vans, buses, delivery vehicles, and a single motorcycle. All chugging along, burning fossile fuels, filling what would otherwise be clean, healthful air with ozone-depleting, foul-smelling, physically harmful fumes. Few slowed down. Several honked. Whether out of encouragement or derision I care not to know. A couple informed me that I have a 'nice ass.' At least none were so indecent as to throw any half-full slushies from the 7/11 at me. At least.
These are the creatures that think themselves greatest of all the beasts- man has brain! man can think! These are the ways in which they demonstrate their superiority. Forgive me if I point out the inconsistency that it isn't exactly, um, intelligent to destroy one's habitat. If we observed such behavior in any other species we would be appalled. Well, start worrying! The end is near! They are coming! But, in the mean time, I'm going to keep picking up your litter. And if you've any desire to retain the right to inhabit a planet as bountiful and diverse as this, you better start, too. Those people from the convention have some pretty compelling proof.